Basically, Ellie and I have watched the entire original Star Wars Trilogy together over about a week and a bit. Yet another reason to love her.
For those of you who haven't seen the original trilogy and think of Star Wars exclusively in terms of the prequels, or (heaven forbid) are completely unfamiliar with the saga as a whole, allow me to summarise the films:
- "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" appears on the screen, and the audience of 1977 probably came in their collective pants...
- Big booming theme music plays, yellow writing scrolls across the screen, disguising what is in fact awesome.
- Darth Vader (bad guy in a helmet) captures Princess Leia (woman with bagel hair), R2-D2 (dustbin robot) and C3PO (gay robot) escape.
- On Tatooine (desert planet) Luke Skywalker (whiny farmboy) buys R2-D2 and C3PO, then loses them, but then finds them and also Obi-Wan Kenobi (creepy old man).
- Luke's aunt and uncle get killed, Luke and Obi-Wan decide to leave Tatooine, stopping at a pub, where Obi-Wan commits ABH on an arse-faced alien.
- At said pub, they also meet Han Solo (cool space pirate) and Chewbacca (bear/cat/dog), who agree to take them on their ship.
- Meanwhile, the Death Star (evil metal testicle) blows up Alderaan (Leia's homeworld), because the Empire are evil, and that's what evil people do.
- Han, Luke, Obi-Wan, Chewy and the droids go to the Death Star. They save Leia. Obi-Wan gets killed by Vader, Luke gets mopey, but then seems totally over it five minutes later.
- The Rebels (goodies) blow up the Death Star because Luke "uses the Force (magic)", but Darth Vader wasn't on board, because he was too busy floating through space in his little spaceship.
- It's now the second film, and the Rebels have a base on Hoth (snowy planet). Luke gets attacked by the Wampa (Cookie Monster), Han has to save him. Sexual tension between Han and Leia gets properly tensiony...
- Luke goes to Dagobah (swampy planet) to meet Yoda (magical pixie who sounds like Fozzy Bear). He starts to learn about the Force, gets pretty good, then has a sulk.
- Meanwhile, Han, Leia, Chewy and the droids go Bespin (a city in the clouds, known as Cloud City, imaginatively), where they meet Lando (the only black guy in the galaxy). He betrays them and Han gets frozen.
- Luke then goes to Bespin and fights Vader, who cuts off his hand and then tells him he's his dad. Which seems like an odd way to go about things, really...
- Now it's the third film, and Leia, Chewy, Luke, Lando, and the droids are rescuing Han from Jabba (big slug). Luke fights a monster, they blow up Jabba's ship, and they escape. But more importantly, Leia wears this:
- The Rebels go to Endor (forest planet) to turn off the shield for the new Death Star (yep, they just rebuilt it, real fucking original). Luckily, the have help from the Ewoks (teddy bears).
- Luke goes to Dagobah and officially becomes a Jedi (nice wizard). Yoda dies (but then again he was 900), and Luke gets mopey again, and gets over it again, really quickly. Oh, and Luke finds out that Leia is his sister.
- Back on Endor, the shield is down, after an epic battle that sees the Empire get severely defeated by the Ewoks, who somehow prove that lasers are no match for sticks.
- Vader and Luke have an amazing lightsaber battle on the Death Star, the Emperor (Vader's boss) watches and laughs. Luke cuts off Vader's hand (payback's a bitch, Darth) and then gets zapped by the Emperor's lightning. Vader saves Luke and throws the Emperor down a pit, because he probably felt bad about being a shit dad, and then dies.
- Then Lando blows up the Death Star, the Rebels are really fucking happy, and then the credits roll. Han and Leia are clearly going to hook up, though, and that's what's really important.
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