Better late than never...

Okay, I'm sorry, I know I said I'd blog more frequently, every two days and all that, but I had things to do. I went to see Los Campesinos! on Thursday, and they were fucking incendiary, I love how all their songs are fairly miserable if you listen to the lyrics, but are disguised by upbeat synthiness, violins, flutes, and stage dives. I got hit in the head by a guitar, but it was still mothercunting incredible.

If I seem swearier today, it's because I fucking am. I'm at work, working like a dog in actual fact, and I'm not best pleased that all of our systems seem to be crashing at once.

Today's blog will be about fruit. Yep, that's right, fruit.

My favourite fruit is pineapple. Hands down. It has the best haircut of all fruit, looks the most like a grenade, and is the biggest misnomer of all fruits. It is neither pine nor apple, and yet it is a portmanteau of the two. I eat an awful lot of pineapple, at least 150 grams every morning, plus some for dessert after lunch. If I had to be a fruit (because, perhaps, a fruit based super villain had threatened me with being a fruit or being sodomised by Beth Ditto) I would be a pineapple. My pineapple rap name would be P-Apzz, and I would be a very badass fruit. Which would be a nice change, because in reality I'm neither fruit nor badass. I'm a fairly camp, fairly polite person, with jeans that are often far too tight.

Another good fruit is the kiwi. It's not named after New Zealand, it's named after that fat flightless bird. Fruit fact!

And now onto the shit fruits. Here are my least favourite fruits, and why I hate them so much:

• Strawberry - it's too sweet, it's boring, and pretty much everything comes in a strawberry flavour.
• Quince - its name is a bit ridiculous. It sounds like a supergroup featuring Brian May from Queen and Prince.
• Raspberry - because I saw a picture of a dick with genital warts, and the end looked exactly like one.
• Nectarine - it's a bald peach. I like fuzzy peaches, they make me feel like I'm eating a tennis ball.
• Star fruit - tastes like what I'd imagine a vomit pie would taste like.
• Grapes - I just hate them. Particularly that one grape in the bunch that's all shrivelled and deformed. Bleurgh.

Sometimes good things are named after fruit:

• Moldy Peaches - a band who are fucking incredible.

• Fruit - the debut album by the Asteroids Galaxy Tour.

• Strawberry Fields Forever - the Beatles proving that shit fruit can still inspire good songs.